This has been the hardest past few days that I've been through. I've had sleepless nights of crying before when Trevor was in the hospital, first as a preemie then last December with RSV. We went through some really tough moments, but the next day we'd be greeted by smiling nurses telling us how he's such a fighter and how well he was doing. Then it'd be a happy, thankful day and the tears would stop. This is different though. There's not an end to this.
Recently, Suzy and I had had some pretty deep conversations about life in general. She couldn't understand how people could get so mad that they had to throw things or yell or just sit and mumble to themselves. I told her that was perfectly normal for most people. We talked about how she never let things bother her to that point and how I wished I could be more like her in that respect.
Even if she couldn't teach me patience, she was able to teach me numerous life lessons. In college, we had such a diverse group of friends. I never understood why our different groups of friends could never get along. Suzy could get along with anyone, even people who hardly spoke English. Now I realize it was her that taught me to be more accepting of anyone and everyone.
Suzy was also good, as we all know, at talking people into doing things, no matter how crazy it sounded. It didn't take much for her to convince me to pack up, change colleges, and move to Murray, KY. If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked "Why Murray?" I'd be rich. I'd always laugh and just say, "My best friend and her brother go there." I didn't bother explaining much more. The four short semesters we spent in Murray were full of the best times we had together. She managed to convince her boss at UPN 9 24 to hire me too. We got hooked on watching 7th Heaven together at work since it played every day at five before we went home. Sometimes we'd stay late to see the end of it. Then we'd head across the street to Fifteenth and Olive for a drink, or for me to watch her drink a beer, or to just visit with whoever might be there that we knew. We kayaked in Land Between the Lakes, skied in Indiana, hiked at Red River Gorge, went white water rafting in Chatanooga, took a road trip to Memphis to visit Graceland, visited the Country Music Hall of Fame then decided it would be a great idea to jump in the car (and I mean literally, within an hour) and drive to Cleveland to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I still remember she got a speeding ticket in Manville, Ohio. I tried to convince them to take the scenic route back through Pennsylvania, but everyone was sick of being in the car and Suzy was still mad about her ticket. We helped throw the best party Murray had ever seen. That included the police telling us never to do that again, making a pretty good amount of money, and an early morning trip to The Log Cabin to buy everyone breakfast with our profits! We had numerous trips to Baytown on planes and in the car jamming to Weezer with the windows rolled down. For some of our trips we were accompanied by the brave souls from Murray that we convinced to come visit Texas with us. That's when we took our tour of Texas to show off how awesome it is here.
Working with her this year had been wonderful! We helped each other during some pretty crazy days with the kids and complained about it over lunch at the picnic tables. We had started a garden with the kids for their class project. I warned her that I don't do well with plants, but she insisted that it would be ok. When she called me the day Bear was born, I said, "Suzy, you're not having this baby yet are you? You can't leave me yet!" I joked about her being 2 weeks late so she wouldn't have to come back at the very end of the year. She had read somewhere that hospitals have more births on full moons, but that would mean waiting until the 18th. She didn't like that idea much. So she promised the garden would be ok. She never let anything worry her.
I recently read about a family who lost their loved one and how they finally knew things were okay when they saw something that had a lot of meaning to him and the family. I thought how cool, but how would you know it was a sign from them? Well, last Friday morning, barely 24 hours after she passed away, I was holding Trevor and asked Jack to turn on the television while we got ready for school. The first thing I saw on the Disney Channel were clips from older Disney cartoon movies of mothers holding their babies. It took a few seconds to process, and the commercial, or whatever it was, didn't last long, but I sat there and realized that was Suzy's way of telling me she's ok and to take good care of her babies for her! Suzy was always there for me when I needed someone to watch Jack or Trevor, and of course I will do the same for Morgan and Bear.
The only explanation I have for this is that it's just another of her spur of the moment road trips. She decided Heaven sounded like a fun place to be and just like all of our other road trips, once she made up her mind, there was no turning back.
Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
There's no one in town that I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let live.
May angels lead you in.
